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Hunt on for Italy lottery winner

Monday, August 24th, 2009

There is a festive atmosphere in the town’s main square

In the small village of Bagnone, the hunt is on for the winner of Italy’s massive lottery jackpot, thought to be Europe’s biggest ever.

Speculation is rife among the Tuscan village’s 2,000 residents as to who owns the lucky Superenalotto ticket – worth 146.9m euros (£128.3m; $211.8m).

Candidates include a woodcutter, builder and shopkeeper. Italian lottery winners are rarely named in public.

The local mayor has already said the cash could do wonders for Bagnone.

Gianfranco Lazzeroni told Italy’s Rai television that he would ask the winner to help fund a planned community centre with a price tag of 1 million euros.

Party central

Crowds filled the town’s main square on Saturday night, converging on the cafe where the winning ticket was sold, and celebrating late into the night. The festive mood continued on Sunday.

The mayor said he could not glean any clues as to the identity of the winner.

“I know all of them, I saw them party yesterday, I looked into their eyes, but I could not see any revealing detail,” he told Rai TV.

The lucky resident also came up during the Sunday sermon at church.

“I hope he will be able to look after this fortune well, and do good with it and use it to help others through generous acts,” Father Marco Giuntini was quoted as saying by the AFP news agency.

Italian state news agency Ansa reported that the winner – who bought the winning ticket at the Biffi coffee bar in Bagnone – had spent just two euros on the ticket.

It was the first time anyone had won the state-run Superenalotto since January. The previous biggest jackpot

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THREE WISHES

Friday, August 7th, 2009

A little old lady was in the kitchen one day, washing the dishes when suddenly a little genie appeared beside her.
  “You’ve led a long and good life” the genie said, “I have come to reward you by granting you three wishes. Ask for anything you want and I will make it happen.”
  The old lady was surprised but cynical. Not really believing that anything would happen she decided to play along for a minute. “Ok” she said, “turn all those dirty dishes into money.” With that there was a big Poof! and the dishes had turned into a big pile of cash.
  “My” said the old lady, staggered that it had actually worked, “Perhaps you could make me look young and beautiful again?” There was another big poof and the woman now looked lots younger and was very good looking. Excitedly she carriedon, “Can you turn my dear old cat into a handsome young man?”
   Once more there was a big Poof, and the cat was replaced by a handsome young man. Smiling devilishly she turned to the young man and said “At last! Now I want to make love with you for the rest of the day and all night too!”
   The young man just looked at her for moment then replied in a high pitched voice, “Well you should have thought about that before you took me to the vet’s shouldn’t you!”

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Goodbye Ugly Suit

Friday, August 7th, 2009

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
   ”Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”
   “Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!” the manager asked.
   ”That’s the one!”
  “That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suitwe’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”
   “Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.”

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Cooking Instructions

Friday, August 7th, 2009

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.
    The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: “Wash. Biol. Surv.”
    Until the agency received the this letter from an Arkansas camper:
    ”Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible.”
     The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

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Cat Collector

Friday, August 7th, 2009

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take.
   He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
   The store owner replies, “I’m sorry, but the cat isn’t for sale.
   The collector says, “Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I’ll pay you twenty dollars for that cat.” And the owner says “Sold,” and hands over the cat.
    The collector continues, “Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat’s used to it and it’ll save me from having to get a dish.”
    To which the owner says, “Sorry buddy, but that’s my lucky saucer. So far this week I’ve sold sixty-eight cats.”

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Life as a Female Bear

Friday, August 7th, 2009

If you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
    Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
    If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
    If you’re a female bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
    I wanna be a bear.

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The Hamster and the Frog

Friday, August 7th, 2009

Amangy looking guy walks into a very classy restaurant and orders a steak. The waitress says: “I’m sorry, but I don’t think you can pay for your meal.” The guy admits, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me my supper?”
     The waitress, both curious and compassionate, says, “Only if what you show me isn’t risque.”
     ”Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the ground and it runs across the room, directly to a piano. The hamster then proceeds to climb up the piano, and starts playing Gershwin songs.

  The waitress says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy sits back and enjoys a fine steak supper with all the trimmings.
   Shortly thereafter, he asks the waitress, “Can I have a piece of that fine blueberry pie I see on the dessert cart over there?” “Only if you got another miracle up your sleeve”, says the waitress. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the table, and the frog starts to sing up a storm!
   A stranger from a nearby table runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant with dollar signs in his eyes and a big smile on his face.
   The waitress says to the guy “Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions!”

   ”No”, says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist

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Not Quite What He Wanted

Friday, August 7th, 2009

Ahunter raised his rifle and took careful aim at a large bear. When about to pull the trigger, the bear spoke in a soft soothing voice, “Isn’t it better to talk than to shoot? What do you want? Let’s negotiate the matter.”
    Lowering his rifle, the hunter replied, “I want a fur coat.”
    ”Good,” said the bear, “that is a negotiable item. I only want a full stomach, so let us sit down and negotiate a compromise.”
    They sat down to negotiate and after a time the bear walked away, alone. The negotiations had been successful.
    The bear had a full stomach, and the hunter had his fur coat!

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Doggie Contest

Friday, August 7th, 2009

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
    Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”
    The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” Um. I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.
   ”My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”
    The last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”

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Help Wanted

Friday, August 7th, 2009

A sign was hung in an office window. It read:
      Help wanted.
      Must type 70 words a minute.
      Must be computer literate.
      Must be bilingual.
      An equal opportunity employer.
      A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager’s office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.
     The office manager laughed and said, “I can’t hire a dog for this job.”

The dog pointed to the line: “An equal opportunity employer.”
     So the manager said, “OK, take this letter and type it.” The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.
     The manager said, “Alright, here’s a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it.”
   Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.
     The manager still wasn’t convinced. “I still can’t hire you for this position. You’ve got to be bilingual.”
     The dog looked up at the manager and said, “Meow.”

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